Vice President Kamala Harris has already been assigned an extensive portfolio of issues in an effort to make use of the exceptional political skills she displayed during the 2020 Democratic primary. It’s getting hard to keep track; every week brings a new problem that Harris is in charge of solving. Please enjoy this comprehensive guide to the vice president’s multitudinous leadership responsibilities.
1) Issue: Immigration crisis on the southern border. Status: Still a crisis (incomprehensible laughing fits notwithstanding).
2) Issue: National security in space. Status: Inauspicious.
3) Issue: So-called voting rights reform. Status: Joe Manchin, according to libs, is a “cowardly, power-hungry white dude” for opposing it.
4) Issue: Supporting stepdaughter Ella Emhoff’s dream of making more money than Hunter Biden did when his dad was vice president. Status: In progress.
5) Issue: Preparing warm milk and chickpea mash for President Joe Biden, reading bedtime stories, applying a salve to his hair-plug sores on days when Dr. Jill is out of town or indisposed. Status: Unknown.
6) Issue: Making sure the media don’t figure out that “Major,” the Biden family’s bloodthirsty, floor-befouling German shepherd, never actually returned from his stint at an “offsite training” facility. It’s a completely different dog. Status: So far so good.
8) Issue: Becoming a more charismatic public speaker than her predecessor, Mike Pence. Status: Improbable.
9) Issue: Periodically reaching out to CNN host Brian Stelter to reassure him, tell him he’s doing a great job and trying really hard. Status: Ongoing.
11) Issue: Arresting and detaining climate activist and notorious scofflaw Greta Thunberg, who recently turned 18 and can be tried as an adult, for using her platform to manipulate the world’s children into becoming shiftless truants. Status: Incomplete.
12) Issue: Tracking down “Ash Cat” Calloway and “Shiny Pants” (surname unknown), or any relations thereof, to see if they know the whereabouts of Biden’s Jetfire Balsa Glider, the one that took fourth place at the Lackawanna County Fair. Status: In progress.
13) Issue: Coming to terms with the fact that she will never become president by winning an election. Status: Doubtful.
14) Issue: Avoiding drinking alcohol past 10 p.m. and other situations that might precipitate an ill-advised “I miss you” text to former lover and career adviser Willie Brown. Status: Unknown.
15) Issue: Remembering to laugh. Status: Success.